Not Anymore
by ncischick09
Summary: He can't do this anymore. Musings about the upcoming episode, 'Obsession.'


**A/N: Alright, so it wasn't published this past weekend, as I had planned, but here it finally is! This idea popped into my head after reading speculation on the CBS boards about the upcoming episode, "Obsession." I have no affiliation with CBS, Bellisarius Productions, or Shane Brennan. How's that for a disclaimer? And I find it rather karmic that I listened to One Republic's 'Apologize' immediately followed by The Fray's 'How to Save a Life.' Pandora, you rock.**

The case had ended…not the way he'd hoped. Yeah, they found the girl, but she'd already been dead four days. As Queen would say, "Another one bites the dust." Except, he wasn't feeling that laid-back about it. He was having a hard time brushing this one off. He'd gone above and beyond the call of duty to solve this case. He was just getting so tired of all the death. He wanted to see a happy ending, for once. He felt that he was only there waiting for his friends to die, at this point. Who would be next? He just felt so…useless, helpless, exhausted? All of the above. It was time to end it. He simply couldn't keep going on this way.

Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo strode into the bullpen at 0600, determined to finish his reports on the ZNN reporter case. He just wanted to put it all behind him and move on. And move on he would. As he waited for his computer to boot up, Probationary Agent Ziva David settled into her desk to begin her own morning ritual.

"Good morning, Tony. How was your evening?" She pleasantly regarded the man across from her desk. Upon hearing no audible response, she tried again. "You must have had a restful sleep. You are in unusually early this morning." She raised an eyebrow in his direction, stunned by his continued silence and apparent vigilant work.

She silently and stealthily made her way to his desk. And yet, the handsome but weary-looking agent still did not acknowledge her presence. She went behind the desk and leaned on it, though his back was still to her, facing his monitor.

"Tony, is everything alright?" She softly questioned.

"Yeah, fine," he mumbled.

"Tony, are _you_ alright?" She tried again to engage him.

"Is there something I can help you with, Agent David? Because if you don't need anything, I have a report to finish and I'd really like to get it done before the boss gets in." He never turned to her, but kept typing away on his keyboard.

"I am sorry to have bothered you, _Agent DiNozzo_. I will leave you to your work." She walked slowly back to her desk and sat again in her chair. As she tapped a pen to her lips, she couldn't help but wonder what had brought on Tony's sudden foul mood. They'd made so much progress to heal their broken bond since Somalia, but his sudden coldness and formality towards her made her second guess things. She'd known this case had taken a toll on him, as evidenced by his Gibbs-like work ethic lately. If he was having trouble dealing, though, she'd expected him to come to her, much in the same way she knew he expected her to come to him after Somalia. But, she hadn't. And now, he wasn't.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Gibbs striding briskly into the bullpen. "Where's McGee?"

"He has not arrived, yet Gibbs. Do you need something?" Ziva addressed their boss.

"No, just curious." Gibbs booted up his computer, checked his voicemail, then threw his empty coffee cup into the waste basket. "Alright, finish up those reports. I'm goin' for coffee." As Gibbs neared the elevator, he called over his shoulder, "And tell McGee to get on it when he finally shows up!" With a ding, he was gone.

Ziva looked to Tony. His face showed no emotion, and he was still typing furiously on his keyboard. It was as if he hadn't even registered Gibbs' presence in the bullpen. Frustrated with his behavior, Ziva rose from her seat, announcing, "I am going to get the final reports from Abby, and then some tea. Would you like anything?"

"No." His response was so quiet, yet so cold. And any emotion was still held in check by the firm mask that he wore.

Ziva left the bullpen without another word or glance back.

Ziva's entrance into the lab was heralded by the swoosh of the doors, which was drowned out by the music blaring from Abby's speakers. Ziva moved quickly to stand directly behind the woman, looking over her shoulder at what Abby was working on, before spooking her with a good-natured, "Boo!"

Abby jumped and whirled, nearly butting heads with her Israeli friend. "Ziva! What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

Ziva laughed, in spite of her foul mood. "I am sorry, Abby. I could not resist."

Abby turned off the music with her remote. "What brings you down to my lair so early this morning?" She smiled pleasantly.

"Have you talked to Tony this morning?" Ziva quickly reverted to the real reason for her visit.

"No, what's he even doing in this early?" Abby absentmindedly turned back to her work.

"Something is wrong. He will not speak to me. He did not even acknowledge Gibbs when he arrived. He is working harder than I have ever seen him on his final report for the case." Ziva scrunched her face, deep in thought.

"Well, have you asked Tim?" Abby turned back to Ziva, noticing her perturbed appearance.

"He is not in, yet."

Abby made a surprised face. "Well, that's a switch. Tony's in early, actually doing work, and Timmy's MIA. Weird."

"I am serious, Abby. Something is wrong. You have been friends with Tony longer than any of us. Maybe he will talk to you?" Ziva nearly pleaded with the Goth.

Abby laughed dryly. "If he won't talk to you, of all people, what makes you think he would talk to me?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ziva put her hands on her hips.

Abby sighed. "You still don't get it, do you?"

Ziva simply glared at her. "Get what, Abby?"

"Your opinion means more to him than the rest of us, combined. If he doesn't want to talk to you about something, the rest of us couldn't drag it out of him with wild horses."

"What do horses have to do with opening up to someone? And that is not true. He values the whole team. All of us, not only me." Ziva was confused as to where this conversation was going. She'd wanted to enlist Abby's help to figure out what was bothering Tony, but Abby was rapidly changing the topic on her.

"You know, Ziva…maybe that's his problem. He's been waiting around for you for years. It's obvious he's head-over-heels in love with you. He signed himself up for a suicide mission just to avenge your alleged death, and you come back and things are, like, I dunno…status quo with you guys! It's no secret this case was hard on him, but did you ever stop to think about why?" Abby paused to give Ziva time to absorb her words. When she received no response, she continued, "Every woman in his life always ends up dead. And this one was no different. No, she wasn't actually in his life, or anything, but it was symbolic, ya know? Like, he thought he could make a difference this time around. And when you guys found her body, he felt like a failure…again! You still don't see it, do you?" Abby sighed and grabbed her Caf-Pow, sucking at the straw in frustration.

Ziva's eyes looked as though they would pop out of her skull any moment, causing Abby to cast her own eyes down at her boots, glancing up warily when Ziva began to speak.

"First of all, he is not head-over-feet in love with me. Second of all, we have cases involving females all the time. Why should this one be any different?" Ziva was struggling to process Abby's words, which she truly had not considered. And this angered her to no end. It was her job to know and understand these things. Hell, she'd read the dossiers for the whole team. She knew what happened with Kate. She'd been there when Paula died! She'd seen the consequences that the disastrous La Granouille mission had on Tony. How could she have missed all this? Why hadn't she put the pieces to this puzzle together? Why did Abby have to tell her things she should have already known for herself? It all boiled down to one thing…denial.

Abby looked up from her boots when she heard the doors open to find Ziva gone.

Ziva reached the bullpen in a whirlwind of determination, causing Tim to look up from his report. "Mornin' Ziva. Where's Tony and Gibbs?"

"Gibbs went for coffee and Tony was just here. You did not see him leave?" She looked around her frantically, making a complete circle as her eyes searched for his towering form in the room.

Ziva's bizarre and uncharacteristically flustered behavior made McGee leave his desk to join her at the edge of the bullpen. "No, he wasn't here when I got here a few minutes ago. Is something wrong?"

"I have to find him, now." As Ziva turned to go towards the stairs leading to the upper level, she ran into Tony's chest, the force threatening to topple her. Instinctively, he reached his arms out to support her small frame by grabbing her arms. She looked up, knowing instantly who had touched her. But, instead of the blinding grin and inappropriate joke about their physical contact that she expected, his face was the same as it had been earlier that morning. Stone.

Feeling her righted, Tony quickly let go of her arms and strode quickly behind his own desk, brushing past McGee.

"Well, good morning to you, too, Tony." Tim frowned at the unusual cold-shoulder from the senior agent and returned to his own desk to finish his report, stealing a glance towards Ziva who was still frozen in the spot Tony had left her. She was staring at Tony, a disbelieving look plastered on her usually unreadable face, which caused Tim to also look towards DiNozzo's desk.

He was quickly and silently gathering the personal belongings from his desk. "_What the hell?_" Tim thought to himself.

It was ironic that Gibbs picked that exact moment to re-enter the bullpen, coffee in hand. He quickly surveyed the scene of quiet chaos displayed before him by his team. Ziva, standing stock still, a look of unbridled horror on her face. DiNozzo, apparently cleaning out his desk. And finally, Tim, still seated in his desk chair facing the senior agent, his mouth agape and his eyes wide with wonder and confusion.

Gibbs quickly made his way to the front of DiNozzo's desk and put his coffee down. "Goin somewhere, DiNozzo? I don't recall giving you the day off."

"My report's already on your desk, Boss. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."

Gibbs' head recoiled back in pure shock and surprise. He truly did not expect this. He'd realized this last case had taken its toll on his senior agent, but he knew that the man had nerves of steel and a resilience matched by only Ziva. Or, at least that's what he'd always thought…He put his hands on DiNozzo's desk and leaned forward as far as his arms could support.

"What are you doing, Tony? You don't mean this. You'll get over this, just like you've always done before. Don't burn bridges you can't rebuild," he quietly told the man, trying in vain to make eye contact.

At this, Tony quickly rose, his chair banging into the file cabinets behind the desk. He leaned in until he was only an inch from Gibbs. The look in his eyes was one Gibbs was certain he'd never seen before.

"I'm tired of getting over it, Gibbs. I don't wanna wait until the only thing holding me together is a boat and bourbon." The look of pure pain that flashed through his boss' eyes was enough to make Tony instantly regret his choice of words, in the heat of the moment. He continued more softly, "I'm not as strong as you, Boss. I don't have it in me. Not anymore."

"You do what you have to do, DiNozzo. No one's gonna stop you." Gibbs' countenance hardened as he picked up his cup and went back to his own desk.

Tim was so completely stunned at this point by the morning's events that all he could do was look between Gibbs, who was checking his voice mail and trying desperately to look busy, and Tony, who continued his packing, and finally to Ziva, still rooted in the same spot and silent. He knew there was nothing he could say or do, and his own personal discomfort over the situation was beginning to stifle the air around him. He silently rose and strode towards the back elevator to seek refuge in Abby's lab. He was pretty sure no one would notice his hasty retreat.

Tony took one last look around his desk space, and satisfied he hadn't forgotten anything of importance, put his coat on and picked up his box, intending to head towards the elevator without another word or glance to the two agents left in the bullpen. As he stood, waiting for the cursed private office of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, he couldn't help but feel robbed of a moment he'd contemplated many times. He'd always expected his last day at NCIS to be more like one of his coveted movie scenes, complete with nostalgia, tears, and longing look back. Instead, the suffocating finality of what'd he finally done threatened to asphyxiate him completely. Wasn't he supposed to feel better, now? Why didn't he feel better, now?

As the elevator doors were coming to their final close on him, a slender arm pushed its way through, allowing one Ziva David to breathlessly invade his personal space, yet again. "_For the last time,_" he thought, as she hit the emergency stop.

"Tony, you cannot leave. I will not let you do this." She spat at him.

"It's not your decision, Ziva." Tony was beyond arguing at this point, a fact that his defeated tone of voice conveyed.

"It is not solely your decision, either, Tony! Think about what this will do to the team…our team, your team! What will this do to Abby? Have you thought about any of us?" She was pleading, now, playing every card she knew could possibly tug on that over-sized heart of his.

Tony sighed, "All I do is think about you. I can't do it, anymore, Ziva. I'm getting too old for this. I feel like I'm constantly just waiting around for one of you to die. I just can't do it anymore." By this point, Tony's head was visibly hanging, his chin resting on his chest. He looked so…broken. Final.

"So, Abby was wrong, then. This is not only about me. It is about all of us. You are choosing to abandon all of us. Why did you not just let me fall in the bullpen, then?"

Tony's head shot up angrily. "I can't save you, anymore, Ziva…Abby was wrong about what?" He whispered.

"She has it in her head that you are being this way because of me. Because you are tired of waiting for me," she trailed off. "Because you are in love with me."

"I am."

His stark, unabashed admission took Ziva by surprise. She opened her mouth to reply, closed it, then stepped towards him, putting her hand on his arm. "I-Tony, I am sorry."

"It's too late for that, now, Ziva. What's done is done." His honest look of confession was once again replaced by the emotionless mask that she usually wore herself.

"Tony, do not leave things this way. You do not mean any of this. Your head is not in the right place. You are simply distressed about the case. As Gibbs said, do not do anything you cannot undo."

"Do you remember asking me if I believed in soul mates, Ziva? Well, yeah, I do. And I meant what I told Gibbs. I don't want to wait until I'm so broken that I've got nothing left. I don't want to sit in my apartment, drinking and watching movies until the day I die. And I'm never going to move on, seeing you every day, smelling you every day, being so close to you every day. And God help me, I'll make it miserable for you to move on, too. And I don't want that, for either of us. And no, it's not just all about you, either. I don't want to leave you with that kind of burden. Tim's a good agent, now. He quit bein' a probie years ago. He doesn't need me, anymore. And Gibbs is, well, Gibbs. He's got you and McGee on his six. You're both good agents. And Abby'll be fine. I'll still see her outside of work. We're friends. Besides, she's got McGoo to take care of her. Palmer's got his hot, new girlfriend. You know, I've got a feeling about those two. I think they're gonna make it. Ducky's looking for a fresh start, anyway, since his mom died. You all will be fine without me. It's time for this. It's just…it's time."

He moved around her and flipped the switch to send the elevator back to life.

Tears brimming in her eyes, Ziva did not turn to face him. "You will see Abby, and Tim outside of work. You will not see me?"

As the doors to the elevator opened on the ground floor, Tony paused before stepping out and whispered, "No, Ziva. Not anymore."


End file.
